i feel like the whole world is collapsing into itself... i feel like i am the cause for all of this. i feel like this house will never stop talking to me. There was once where i believed this to be a happy home. One of my family and of my childhood. I used to think of this place as a happy home. It was cared for and sweet smelling of vanilla and berries. Now, 25 years later, i come home and....

Long before the lost civilizations of the old world, love had always remained a constant need for humans. It was required, and if by a certain age, no love were to be found they would send you to exile were you were to become a wondering lunatic with your empty thoughts and lost dreams. You would eventually becaome either a hermit, vagrant, or witch of some kind. Hating the humans. With all of this on your shoulders, you would eventually stop working completely. Your life terminated, your soul walking endlessly, loathing humans of all races and of all ages. watching love being made and love being earned, payed for and lost. The utter despair you would grow.... how would you feel.

I walked into the front door and my extatic feelings dropped on the front porch and all i felt was disappointment. My life was over. I have been exiled to the damned dregs. What happened to this place? Taking it all in, i turned my head and vomit on the porch, paint chips mixing with the hatred spewing out of my once smiling face. Wiping my mouth on my sleeve, I think... "I can burn this bitch to the ground." A thousand thoughts race through my head. Pictures of my childhood, laugher while hiding from my big brother in a dark and mysterious house.... We would turn all of the lights off when my parents were out for the night and play "hide and seek" Soon there after he had passed away, left me alone. Noone ever went back to normal. I took two streps into the living room and I just couldn't stop myself.. More hatred, self loathing, greed, anger shooting from the deepest parts of the inside of me. I am so ashamed. My life, my family, my ego, and love.....lost. Deep into the darkness of this house. Why? Why am I here? What the fuck happened? "Who the fuck said that?" This overwhelming need to flee the house shot up my spine in several shockwaves of little dots poking the hairs to their very limit of length. My face dropped to the floor in front of me. There is a small white pearl rolling toward my feet. It touches my left madden and the house shifts unders its impact. "What the fuck?" I flee.

Running into the night, through the old neighbiorhood I once belonged to, I see nothing but tears. My life is haunting me. "I didn't mean to do it." "I'm sorry." Only things that make me angry make this pain in my side go away. "I love you." I keep going. "Please, don't look at me like that, not here. You did this to me." I stop. I stop at this fucking broken down cemetary where i used to smoke weed when I was a kid. I miss Evan.... He shouldn't have died the way he did..... not at all. He was my best friend. We used to tag together. I stopped tagging after he died. Horribly. He really shouldn't have. I walked, weak legged into the graveyard, looking for my grand-mother, who lay with her husband in the ground, worm eaten and un-loved.. God, please forgive me for my sins. Gram... forgive me. I didn't mean to dissappoint you. My vision shoots to an image of her, now a movie. She is smiling telling me how handsome i am, How i am her little boy. God, i miss you gram. I walk blind through the dark until my heart stops, i look down. "Hey gram. I missed you." I say, tears sticking angrily at my cheeks. I tell her everything, about the house, that was once hers and my life. My lost loves and sorrows. I tell everything..... She rolls over. I walk away. My heart is broken.